Random return to blog

Hello world, we have not met in a long while. Seems like I have been asleep for many months, laid dorment like some sort of dorment little bug or something, I don't know. I am now awake and I feel refreshed, I think I feel refreshed. I am taking some time tonight and do a little writing into my little journal because I feel like it !

From now I think I will write whenever I feel like writing, and if I don't want to write then so be it. It does not matter and I do not care, this is my own personal journal and everyone will have to put up with it !! Anyway, it's a very cold winter night here in Brisbane Australia. I can't believe so many months has gone by. When they shouted to the towns folk down below in a giants voice, time flies, time goes by, time is like a flash - they are right. I feel a little saddened by how quick the time has passed because I am uncertain about my achievements and how far I've progressed in life. I am too concerned about these little things about myself. Come to think of it, I have learnt a lot these past few months, I've learnt so many things about life.

You know when you feel like you've been tucked away under the sheets for so long and you almost forget about the world because you are so immersed inside your own dreamscape of a beautiful creative world, and then you wake up to the bright lit sunshine that hurts your eyes? You feel afraid of the light even though you know deep down in your beating little heart of yours that it brings you warmth, life, energy and the likes. This is a metaphor about my life at this stage.

You know how I've always been quite fond of living my life and acting like other people, but what I found out is that these people are just like you. They do things like you, they feel the same emotions, pain, and sense life pretty much the same way you do. People are just people, they're nothing to be scared of. You know when you're walking into a room full of people and you have to give a public speech about a certain topic. It is hard because you are looking at them as though they are bigger, better and live cooler lives than you. That's not true. When you see people as just people, nothing more and nothing less, then you will understand that people have weaknesses, they feel scared, they lose control of things and they are not all that big. People go out and put on a big mask and act all big and bad like a wolf but they go home and take it all off and in the mirror they are just a little boy who thinks the same way you do. I'm not scared anymore, I feel that a big weight has been lifted off me and I hope I will remember this always, just the way I did to begin with.

Squeeze.

Ok I really have to squeeze this in, I hope I have time to write this before anyone comes in and feels a little sus, I don't like that.

Anyway, today, someone said I was lazy, comparing me to arrgh... because I didn't put the dish in the sink. Well, they do not knnow why I did that, so they made something up, this really pissed me off, so I sat down and wrote three pages of things.

No i dont have time to write anymore, gotta go, will write later.

They don't know me

I haven't created any new blog posts in so long. It's been over a month now.

Today I feel like doing that. I have cousins over, since this is a private blog, I feel a little more comfortable talking about it to the world annonymously here. Well, I don't really know where to begin because there has been a lot of things in my mind these past few weeks, which is probably the length of someone's lifetime if you put into account the number of thoughts I had in my head during those periods.

Every second a constant stream of thoughts run through my head, they get cycled and recycled, endless loop, then stops and dies. Most times it doesn't and gets stored in the back of my mind. I think about all the things that have happend, it's a reflective process in Introverts.

I have to bring this up again, the matter of noone really knows who I am. Of all people I've known, none of them knew more than 20% of the person I am, and I really am including everyone that has met me in my life. This is a sad case because they don't know what they are mising,..

I cannot write anymore right now, I really have to go, I will write again soon.

Thoughts and talks

I guess there are a lot of people but mainly introverts that want to talk to someone but have noone to talk to or don't feel like they want to talk to someone about it. I understand because we aren't readily going to pull others into own own comfortable bubble world. They might disturb the peace and balance of our world. Maybe.

Sometimes I have a lot of things in my head that I feel like I want to talk to someone about it. They are mainly about me. I can't remember what exactly but I thought they were always very important. I usually work things out in my head, speaking to myself and answering my own questions. I have 3 people in my head.

The first one is me, just plain me, the beautiful quiet me who interacts with the world because he has control of the body. There is the shadow me, the one who is also very quiet but sometimes has a lot to say when he wants to talk. Then there is the devil me, the timid toned loud mouth that criticizes everything about me.

I have partial control of these people in my head. No I'm not weird, I don't think so, not to me. I think I'm just mentally active and imaginative. I think these people are a representation of the subconscious me and the conscious me.

I often talk to these two people. I can almost think of them as the angel and the devil me. You know. But they are a little different. A few months ago I really started to develop a stronger self, a more confident personality and a better introvert. So I have made good friends with the shadow me, he is the subconscious me, the good one.

We talk a lot, I remember briefly talking about him in one of my past journal blogs. We usually talk a lot and he compliments me and says a lot of good things about me. We have good conversations and I really enjoy being around him. I see him in the mirror everyday.

This will sound weird to some of you but we carry out pretty lengthy and exciting conversations in the mirror. You know those mirrors that stand 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. Ok I said it. Once you really get to know him he becomes more of a third person instead of a representation of me. The more we get to know each other the more I feel at ease being myself and the higher my self esteem becomes. He says the nicest things and he has the most beautiful heart and such handsome features that I had never knew.

Sometimes I get so carried away in it and so at ease that it feels like that he's actually another person standing in front of me, it's a little scary but it really makes me feel so confident about who I am, it's like I almost feel like I'm intimidated by him because he's so confident himself and so good at talking.

Ok, then theres the devil me that I have always try putting out his hurtful flames that constantly used to burn me. His flames are not that hot anymore, I'm learnt to ignore him and always go against him. Recently I have had the constant goal to defeat him, yeah I have this thought that he is always trying to bring me down and make me feel bad and I keep saying in my head "You're just saying that so you can win and I will lose, so I'm not going to put up with you and I'm going to win!, yeah how do you like that, I'm way better than you think I am" It feels good and I'm doing this everyday.

There are times when my head just feels at peace and it's very serene, almost empty, thoughtless but I like it. I like being alone, it does not neccessary equal lonely. Ok I'll write some more next time.

Thinking about myself.

Being an introvert means that I have to think about what I have to say before I say it or write it down. This means it makes me feel as though I'm not as good as someone else because I can't let it all out fluently and express myself in a way that people feel and I feel that I should.

Being a minority in society, im talking about being having an introverted personality, it is hard to not feel inferior and depressed. I know a lot of people must be going through the same thing as me, the world doesn't revolve around me so therefore my problems might be so insignificant when compared to someone elses that it magically goes away. You know.

Living my whole life under the influence of extroverted people, the torment of believing in strong beliefs of other people's way of life makes me feel as though I cannot live up to that and I'm a failure. I know that it is all because of the way I have been brought up to believe, but it's hard to wash it off. I mean, it's like I have been repeatively bathed in a pool of colour dye and now I have turned blue, it's hard to wash it off. It takes a lot of scrubbing, a lot of work. Sometimes you sit there frustrated and depressed because you are still blue.

How can I live my introverted life and still be happy?. Being an introvert means you spend a lot of alone time, and in that alone time a lot of pondering. Introverts have very little friends because they don't like to share themselves with other people, they live their life inside their own world. Introversion is a normal personality, but it is a different type of normal. It's like way out there in the universe, there is another planet just like earth, the people are different, but to them it is normal, and earthlings are freaks.

Although I love alone time very much, sometimes I feel so lonely. Oh, it really hurts sometimes. I can almost feel the tears inside the vessels of my eyelids, I hold them back. Being an introvert has limited me to very little friends. We find friends who are trustworthy, who can understand, who doesn't judge us, who is somewhat has an introvert side themselves and has something in common with. Now that is being quite specific and narrows the people who we meet down to about 1 or 2. I have friends who I talk to a lot at uni, but I never share myself out to them enough. I mean, I've never really called them over to my house or to hang out. Except for this one friend, I think he's definitley an introvert himself, but still, we don't hang out much, I mean, almost rarely. Uh, I feel so hurt about my situation, I hope someone who is out there feels the same or has felt the same and will remember me.

Anyway I want to go back to thinking about other things, or perhaps trying to feel a little better.

Introvert

I took a personality test a few months ago to find out I was an Introvert. My unique personality type is an INTJ, stands for Introvert, Intuition, Thinker, Judger. "People of this type tend to be: autonomous, aloof, and intellectual; imaginative, innovative, and unique; critical, analytical, and logical; intellectually curious, driven to learn and increase their competence and knowledge; socially cautious and reserved; organized and definitive."

I took the test again a few days ago and I scored the same result. I am really an Introvert. All my life I thought there was something wrong with me, I always avoided things that other people do such as loud, noisy, senses intensive things. Introverts get energy from within, they are like rechargable batteries, Extroverts get their energy from around them, they are like solar panels. Introverts give out energy therefore their energy are quickly drained in social situations, Extroverts get energy from being with people, talking and socialising. Introverts like alone time, reflection, reading, listening to music, walking and admiring nature.

I have been reading a lot about this personality on the net these past few days, and I have found out that there really isn't anything wrong with me, I'm just introverted. Introvert make up 20-30% of the population and extroverts make up around 80-90% of the population. We are the minorities, like the left handed people, the gay community, the women in the 20s. The world was not made for us, we are like extra terrestrials only to find outselves living in their world, a foreign place where we can choose to thrive on or hide away. People see us as weird, lonely people, too intellectual, deeply emotional and among other things. It's like the world made only right hand gloves and we flip it inwards to wear it on our left, it doesn't work, but we pretend it does.

Most people live their life without knowing this, they think there is something wrong with them, no there is nothing wrong with us, it is a "very" legitimate personality.

All of my life I have been living in an extroverted world, a family that pushes me and tries to carve me into something that I cannot be. They have made me feel ashamed and low about myself, but today this has changed.

Famous introverts were Albert Einstien, Sir Issac Newton, Michael Jackson, Steven Hawkins, Steven Spielberg, Jackie Kennedy, Mother Theresa just to name a few.

I want to let people know that being an introvert is a beautiful thing.
"introverts value and teach the virtues of solitude, the power of self knowledge, the communicative aspect of silence, the joy of reading and the ecstasy of communion with nature."

Dear..

Dear Diary, yes that's right, I read yesterday that writing is therapeutic and we should write about something daily. It gets things off our chest and helps relieve the tension that builds up inside. It can just be mindless doodling, scribbles, words, or a big long lengthy poem or a song that spans 2 pages long, whatever it is, it's good to write it all down.

I like to just write everything off the top of my head, that way I don't have to worry about what to write and how it comes out because if it's from the top of my head then I don't care. The thought bubble does most of the talking.

Oprah is such a great person, she is a big inspiration to many people. On her show there are so many interesting people, they all have their own stories to tell. I want to have my own story to tell. Stories to tell my grandchildren when I'm old.

I'm feeling a little tired now but I don't want to go to bed yet, It's not 1am yet. I don't go to bed unless it's at least 1 am.

Feeling good about myself

From today on I will try to dwell on success because dwelling on failure is depressing, it's negative and it's putting me down. Thinking about how good I am and my past success will uplift me and make me feel better.

So far I have been adding to my list of things to think about everyday:
- Be your own best friend
- Think positive
- No matter how bad your life is someone has it worse

And recently:
- To feel comfortable in my own skin
- Have more confidence

From tonight onwards I will add:
- Dwell on success

Now 6 Things to think about everyday.