Why Ponder? Life with a thought bubble.

Pondering on life's rhetorical questions. There are thoughts that go unheard, there are words that were never said, there are things that drown me from inside. I have to loosen this lid, I have to let it all out, and I want you all to know. Thoughts go in my head, thoughts go out of my head, write now, regret later. These are my thought bubbles...

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Introvert

I took a personality test a few months ago to find out I was an Introvert. My unique personality type is an INTJ, stands for Introvert, Intuition, Thinker, Judger. "People of this type tend to be: autonomous, aloof, and intellectual; imaginative, innovative, and unique; critical, analytical, and logical; intellectually curious, driven to learn and increase their competence and knowledge; socially cautious and reserved; organized and definitive."

I took the test again a few days ago and I scored the same result. I am really an Introvert. All my life I thought there was something wrong with me, I always avoided things that other people do such as loud, noisy, senses intensive things. Introverts get energy from within, they are like rechargable batteries, Extroverts get their energy from around them, they are like solar panels. Introverts give out energy therefore their energy are quickly drained in social situations, Extroverts get energy from being with people, talking and socialising. Introverts like alone time, reflection, reading, listening to music, walking and admiring nature.

I have been reading a lot about this personality on the net these past few days, and I have found out that there really isn't anything wrong with me, I'm just introverted. Introvert make up 20-30% of the population and extroverts make up around 80-90% of the population. We are the minorities, like the left handed people, the gay community, the women in the 20s. The world was not made for us, we are like extra terrestrials only to find outselves living in their world, a foreign place where we can choose to thrive on or hide away. People see us as weird, lonely people, too intellectual, deeply emotional and among other things. It's like the world made only right hand gloves and we flip it inwards to wear it on our left, it doesn't work, but we pretend it does.

Most people live their life without knowing this, they think there is something wrong with them, no there is nothing wrong with us, it is a "very" legitimate personality.

All of my life I have been living in an extroverted world, a family that pushes me and tries to carve me into something that I cannot be. They have made me feel ashamed and low about myself, but today this has changed.

Famous introverts were Albert Einstien, Sir Issac Newton, Michael Jackson, Steven Hawkins, Steven Spielberg, Jackie Kennedy, Mother Theresa just to name a few.

I want to let people know that being an introvert is a beautiful thing.
"introverts value and teach the virtues of solitude, the power of self knowledge, the communicative aspect of silence, the joy of reading and the ecstasy of communion with nature."








Monday, September 13, 2004

Dear..

Dear Diary, yes that's right, I read yesterday that writing is therapeutic and we should write about something daily. It gets things off our chest and helps relieve the tension that builds up inside. It can just be mindless doodling, scribbles, words, or a big long lengthy poem or a song that spans 2 pages long, whatever it is, it's good to write it all down.

I like to just write everything off the top of my head, that way I don't have to worry about what to write and how it comes out because if it's from the top of my head then I don't care. The thought bubble does most of the talking.

Oprah is such a great person, she is a big inspiration to many people. On her show there are so many interesting people, they all have their own stories to tell. I want to have my own story to tell. Stories to tell my grandchildren when I'm old.

I'm feeling a little tired now but I don't want to go to bed yet, It's not 1am yet. I don't go to bed unless it's at least 1 am.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Feeling good about myself

From today on I will try to dwell on success because dwelling on failure is depressing, it's negative and it's putting me down. Thinking about how good I am and my past success will uplift me and make me feel better.

So far I have been adding to my list of things to think about everyday:
- Be your own best friend
- Think positive
- No matter how bad your life is someone has it worse

And recently:
- To feel comfortable in my own skin
- Have more confidence

From tonight onwards I will add:
- Dwell on success

Now 6 Things to think about everyday.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Great weather

I love it when the weather is all windy, dark, not too dark, bright enough but
shady and the temperature is cool. That is the weather before a rain or a storm.
Right now that is what the weather is like.

Whenever I wake up to a morning like this, instead of being sad, I feel very
happy, very energetic and positive. It fuels my soul and flows through my body,
touching every blood cell, oxigenising it and giving me sparks of energy. This
relaxes me and brings a little smile to my face. I noticed I was smiling today
as I was driving to uni, with the windows down, wind through my hair.

I wish there were more days like this. I think it's about to rain, I'm not sure
if it will, it has been like this for hours. There was a few drops, maybe if you
were lucky you would have been hit by a couple of drops. I got hit in the eye.

The sky is just grey, instead of one big grey cloud it's a formation of a lot of
big grey clouds, like a crowd, but they span for miles, as far as the eye can
see. Some of the trees outside are swaying, there is a palm tree in the distance
that is doing it softly. The air smells so fresh, it's so beautiful outside. I
walked the dog just then.

I'm listening to some music right now, I have some work to do so I'll do them
now.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Who am I

I am very self conscious, I look around a lot and I think about myself a lot. Sometimes I try to stop being so self conscious, it's not very easy, I think it has something to do with the life I grew up in.

It's not very easy writing down personal thoughts on the blogspot when there are so many eyes watching. I think I don't care right now, noone knows me.

I care about the way people look at me, the way people think about me. Even when they don't or maybe they aren't, my mind keeps thinking they do, perhaps they do, I don't know, maybe they don't, I'm not sure. Thinking hurts. No it doesn't hurt my head, it hurts my heart, it hurts my soul, I can think of the worse things, I don't like that, I don't want to think like that anymore, sometimes I can't help it, but I'm trying. I trying, and I'm getting better at it, better at not thinking about things. When I walk, I try to feel comfortable, it's good, I'm doing it everyday, there is a huge difference between me now and me before.

I grew up in a life of hatred, it wasn't a good memory, I try to forget it, but somewhere in the stash in the back of my head it's still there, it's a big stash, you can't miss it. I used to feel so bad about myself, so bad about how my life was, now it's not so bad anymore.

There is one particular thing I want to get rid off. I notice that I always see the worse in people, I don't want to see the worse in people, I want to see the best in them. This probably has something to do with the people I grew up with. I'm not going to talk about that too much.

The tone in my writing sounds a little depressing, no, I'm not really depressed, I'm quite happy actually, happy to know the good person inside me, happy that I have so much to give, happy that I'm sad because people don't know me as the real person, no my parents don't know the real me, I don't really like them, but I'm not going to talk about them. I'm very quiet about myself, I don't share myself around enough, from tommorrow I will try again, and keep trying, I know I can do it.

I don't know why I decide to write things like that when I can write about other things. No wait, maybe I do know, my thought bubble has a life of it's own. When a thought bubble lives inside a head too long, he gets bored, he tries to live outside, so he tries to let himself out, he lets himself out into the world.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Looking at my bubble...

It's very easy to not have anything to talk about, or write about. It's very easy to not have anything to blog about, the feeling of not being in the mood to blog.

You just have to be very relaxed, just sit there, don't let the world distract you. You find the mood when you're at peace. Well, I think.

Sometimes when you're feeling a little too lonely, and your thought bubble gets a little too noisy, you give in and come to the blogspot to let it all out. You could be just sitting there listening to some quiet music, out in the garden quietly watering your flowers, sitting out in the porch looking at the sky, sitting in the park watching the kids play or feeding the ducks at the pond.

Having the mood to blog is like, escaping from the busy life and spending those moments with yourself.

Usually you need to have a lot to talk about, but sometimes there is nothing to say, you just sit there and type anyway.

Sometimes when you're with yourself, you feel the person you are. I wish I could do that more often. I mean, just out there somewhere, alone, just looking out and around you, there's nothing but the beautiful grass, the flowers, the dirt, sun, clouds, birds flying, wind blowing, just take it all in. Just sitting at the top of everything, on a hill, in some shady spot under a big lonely tree in the middle of nowhere, nothing to worry about, nothing to think about but feel, and be.

I just want to be me, out there, me out there, out there alone, without fear, nothing stopping me, being free. Sometimes when you think about something, it comes true. It's like having unlimited wishes, we all have that power, but we never use it, we never think about it, we never know about it.

Sometimes I think things happen to us because deep down we wish it to happen. Even though on the outside we say that we don't, deep down we are thinking something different. We do not pay enough attention to what we are thinking. There are a lot of thoughts in our heads, most of them are ignored. We become used to it, ignoring things. We stop listening. We drift further apart from the person we really are, the person deep down, the child inside that has a creative mind, he often talks before he thinks of the consequences, he is happy, is not conscious about the way people think of him, he knows how to live, how to be human, he is in tune with the person inside him and the person inside of him is in tune with the person inside and goes on in infinity.

Somewhere in our life we have stopped being that person. We became someone else.

I think I am an introvert, I like alone time. I like to focus on myself. When I was young, I think I was about 10 or 12, I remember the time I was at the beach. It wasn't a particularly beautiful beach, not with the shimmering blue green waters and soft white sands. It was a very darky and cloudy afternoon. Standing on the sand in front of the ocean was a very relaxing feeling for me, it's still in my mind, sometimes when I think about the ocean, I have that image in my head.

The sound of the ocean, the cool, thick, very windy air blowing on your face, pulling the clothes on your body backwards, splashes of water over your feet.... you know, the rythm of the whole scene, the waves, you know... You have to close your eyes.

I want to feel relaxed again, I want to feel like that again.




Wednesday, September 01, 2004

the 2 nights of no blog.

I have been busy lately, busy with things, you know, life.

I haven't had the mood to blog the last two days.

It's 10:45am right now, I woke up around 10:00am, had to get changed etc, wash my face etc, then went to the car. My father had to go somewhere, so I had to drive the car back because at 1:30pm I need it to go to uni.

Listening to my completeness my thirsty merc, it's a good song, I'll get in the blooging mood later on in the day, hopefully.