Thoughts and talks

I guess there are a lot of people but mainly introverts that want to talk to someone but have noone to talk to or don't feel like they want to talk to someone about it. I understand because we aren't readily going to pull others into own own comfortable bubble world. They might disturb the peace and balance of our world. Maybe.

Sometimes I have a lot of things in my head that I feel like I want to talk to someone about it. They are mainly about me. I can't remember what exactly but I thought they were always very important. I usually work things out in my head, speaking to myself and answering my own questions. I have 3 people in my head.

The first one is me, just plain me, the beautiful quiet me who interacts with the world because he has control of the body. There is the shadow me, the one who is also very quiet but sometimes has a lot to say when he wants to talk. Then there is the devil me, the timid toned loud mouth that criticizes everything about me.

I have partial control of these people in my head. No I'm not weird, I don't think so, not to me. I think I'm just mentally active and imaginative. I think these people are a representation of the subconscious me and the conscious me.

I often talk to these two people. I can almost think of them as the angel and the devil me. You know. But they are a little different. A few months ago I really started to develop a stronger self, a more confident personality and a better introvert. So I have made good friends with the shadow me, he is the subconscious me, the good one.

We talk a lot, I remember briefly talking about him in one of my past journal blogs. We usually talk a lot and he compliments me and says a lot of good things about me. We have good conversations and I really enjoy being around him. I see him in the mirror everyday.

This will sound weird to some of you but we carry out pretty lengthy and exciting conversations in the mirror. You know those mirrors that stand 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide. Ok I said it. Once you really get to know him he becomes more of a third person instead of a representation of me. The more we get to know each other the more I feel at ease being myself and the higher my self esteem becomes. He says the nicest things and he has the most beautiful heart and such handsome features that I had never knew.

Sometimes I get so carried away in it and so at ease that it feels like that he's actually another person standing in front of me, it's a little scary but it really makes me feel so confident about who I am, it's like I almost feel like I'm intimidated by him because he's so confident himself and so good at talking.

Ok, then theres the devil me that I have always try putting out his hurtful flames that constantly used to burn me. His flames are not that hot anymore, I'm learnt to ignore him and always go against him. Recently I have had the constant goal to defeat him, yeah I have this thought that he is always trying to bring me down and make me feel bad and I keep saying in my head "You're just saying that so you can win and I will lose, so I'm not going to put up with you and I'm going to win!, yeah how do you like that, I'm way better than you think I am" It feels good and I'm doing this everyday.

There are times when my head just feels at peace and it's very serene, almost empty, thoughtless but I like it. I like being alone, it does not neccessary equal lonely. Ok I'll write some more next time.

Thinking about myself.

Being an introvert means that I have to think about what I have to say before I say it or write it down. This means it makes me feel as though I'm not as good as someone else because I can't let it all out fluently and express myself in a way that people feel and I feel that I should.

Being a minority in society, im talking about being having an introverted personality, it is hard to not feel inferior and depressed. I know a lot of people must be going through the same thing as me, the world doesn't revolve around me so therefore my problems might be so insignificant when compared to someone elses that it magically goes away. You know.

Living my whole life under the influence of extroverted people, the torment of believing in strong beliefs of other people's way of life makes me feel as though I cannot live up to that and I'm a failure. I know that it is all because of the way I have been brought up to believe, but it's hard to wash it off. I mean, it's like I have been repeatively bathed in a pool of colour dye and now I have turned blue, it's hard to wash it off. It takes a lot of scrubbing, a lot of work. Sometimes you sit there frustrated and depressed because you are still blue.

How can I live my introverted life and still be happy?. Being an introvert means you spend a lot of alone time, and in that alone time a lot of pondering. Introverts have very little friends because they don't like to share themselves with other people, they live their life inside their own world. Introversion is a normal personality, but it is a different type of normal. It's like way out there in the universe, there is another planet just like earth, the people are different, but to them it is normal, and earthlings are freaks.

Although I love alone time very much, sometimes I feel so lonely. Oh, it really hurts sometimes. I can almost feel the tears inside the vessels of my eyelids, I hold them back. Being an introvert has limited me to very little friends. We find friends who are trustworthy, who can understand, who doesn't judge us, who is somewhat has an introvert side themselves and has something in common with. Now that is being quite specific and narrows the people who we meet down to about 1 or 2. I have friends who I talk to a lot at uni, but I never share myself out to them enough. I mean, I've never really called them over to my house or to hang out. Except for this one friend, I think he's definitley an introvert himself, but still, we don't hang out much, I mean, almost rarely. Uh, I feel so hurt about my situation, I hope someone who is out there feels the same or has felt the same and will remember me.

Anyway I want to go back to thinking about other things, or perhaps trying to feel a little better.