A bottle of thoughts...

I think I might be in the mood for some writing. I remember that movie "You've got mail", that was a good movie, It's got this feel to it, it feels good, something good is happening, two people are connecting. I like how they talk to each other through writing, and when tom hanks reads meg ryan's message, he almost has a smile on his face, you know deep down he is content, with the moment, it's a good moment for him, just sitting there all alone, reading her letter. While he reads it quietly, you hear the words, her words.

I don't think I'm a good writer, I just do it, I'm not very good at expressing myself through writing, but I try. I think if you try, then it doesn't matter how bad you are at it, at least you are doing it. I guess I'll get better at it, that's the most important thing, oh I kind of enjoy doing it.

I was thinking a lot last night, I said I was going to doze off early. No that didn't happen. I never happens. I just lie there in bed, it's dark, I have my eyes close, the blanket's over my shoulders, but there a lot on my mind. It's hard to stop thinking. It's as though your mind takes over, it disobeys anything you say, "Please be quiet, please shut up", "No !".

I was thinking so hard last night that I had a slight headache, the left side of my temple was aching. I don't know why I do this to myself, sometimes I tell myself, stop thinking, just go to sleep, don't think at all, don't do anything. It's so hard.

I was thinking about a lot of things.

I know I'm weird, I used to think that is a bad thing, now it's not so bad. I think I may have found a best friend within myself. You know the person inside you that always criticises you, that person who hates you, the person who tells you to do something you shouldn't the person who you look into the mirror everyday and shakes it's head in shame.

Yes, I have met that person, we talk a lot, he's a good person once you get to know him. I've only recently got to know him. For 19 years he was my enemy, for 19 years we always fought. Now we have sorted out our differences, I like him, he is interesting, we have a lot in common, sometimes we talk.

Everyone talks, a lot of people talk to themself. There really isn't anything wrong with it. I remember for years this person used to say a lot of negative things, it hurts, they become real. Now whenever I look in the mirror, he greets me with a smile, happy and proud with the way I look, content with the person I am, the person I wanna be and the person I will be. He knows me so well, inside out.

I have a feeling this is going to be a very long blog. I have a lot in my mind.

I want to talk about being 14.

When I was 14, I was still in high school, like everyone else we had a lot of fun during those times, like some people we had a lot of friends, but like myself, I was unhappy.

It was the start of a harsh life, the time where I had to prove to myself and to people around me that I am what they people think I should be. I didn't know who I was, I haven't got to know myself well enough.

Yes, ok, I'm going to just say it, I got bullied a lot during those years, all the way til I was 16. Through those years I developed an invisible shield around me, it kept me protected, it kept me alive, It was a permanent shield, to keep others out and keep people I trusted, in.

I remember during sport classes, these people used to call me all sorts of things, talking behind my back. These were the outcasts, they were a group of the "cool", which in the real world translates to "real losers", yes in real life these people are "losers". In their world I was their "loser". I was called that numerous times, yes, self-esteem shattered, shield up, life - down.

I went through that stage til I hit 16. I had a hard time trusting people, it made me a quiet person. I had a huge group of friends, they were the school captains, the vice captains, the academics, the social group all that, but they weren't the "cool". They didn't get the chance to go through what I did, I guess they were lucky. Well maybe they did, I don't know.

I talk to a lot of people. I look into their eyes, I see in their eyes that confidence and happiness I had before I was 14. They have no idea what I went through, they have a shield, but unlike mine, they let people in. I shut people out.

There are people who try to help me, there are people who talk to me, I crave for the attention, I crave for help, sometimes I want someone to talk to about things, sort things out, lift the weight off me. Yes I want all that. But no, when they try to help me, I shut them out, it's hard, I don't know how to stop doing that, it's a automatic defence mechanism. I try to see the good in people. Sometimes I walk into a crowd, I look around, I don't feel like I belong, I see in people's faces the expression of threat, I don't know what I'm talking about, it's hard to explain, I'm sounding silly, I sound stupid.

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High school wasn't all that bad, my friends were awesome, really close friends, we talked everyday.

Well I guess that's life, you go through things, I think it was a test, it makes you stronger, it makes you a better person. Sometimes you have to live the worst life to have the best life.

I'm better now, I've learnt to put it all behind, sometimes I think about it, sometimes it hurts, but now it's alright.

I read somewhere "...you may have a bad day, but someone has it worse".

I'm going to think about that everyday. It makes me feel better about my life.