I feel ...

I don't think I have to look at my thought bubble to tell you that I'm feeling really tired right now. My body is giving me all the signals to prove it.

I had a long day, went out etc...

Now i'm glad i'm sitting here in front of the computer, having just enough energy to say this.

I will try to blog tommorrow.

I know what I want.

Someone to talk to, someone who doesn't judge me, someone who I can relate to, someone who can understand, someone who really listens, someone who is interested, someone in common, someone who can feel, someone I can know.

Someone who can talk to me, someone who can share their thoughts with me, someone who I can understand, someone who I am interested in, someone who I enjoy being with.

That's what I want.

Outweighing the negatives. (part 2)

I am writing this again because the last blog didn't post itself.
* quick edit : (haha, I reloaded again, it actually did post itself.. maybe "some" repeats)


- **I didn't lose my last post
- I have a passion
- I know what I want in life
- I will have a good career
- I have a dream and I think about it all the time because it will come true
- After everything, I am always trying to think positive
- I am mentally and physically strong
- I have been "there" before and have grown a better person and a stronger person
- I have "lived" before
- I have some happy memories
- I don't have to wait and catch the bus everyday
- I have a car to drive around
- I don't have to wake up early, except on Fridays
- People respect and listen to me
- I have some friends to talk to
- I am smart
- I do well at things
- I get good grades
- I have some good personality traits I am proud of
- I look good
- People notice me because I do well
- Lot of people look up to me
- I have somewhere to write my thoughts and lift the weight off me
- I have time to relax
- I have someone to go to the movies with
- I have knowledge from the greatest wisdoms on life
- I have broad access to help
- I am not always alone
- I have places to go to
- I live in Australia
- I live well
- I live comfortably
- I have a fun playful dog
- My life is going to pan out as I expected
- I have enough money to buy things
- There are things I look forward to
- I can handle some things very well
- It's winter, even though it's cold I love it
- There is always music for me to listen to and dance to
- I don't need an alarm clock to wake me up
- I am self motivated
- I find inspiration and I have a lot of inspiration
- I have a lot to give
- I find peace within myself
- I say positive things to myself
- I can get over things
- I am creative, so It makes me special
- No matter how bad my life is, someone has it worse
- I think about things a lot, but that's because I'm conscious about my life and my world
- I am a caring person
- I am quite independent
- I know how to feel human
- I still have my computer
- I still have my dreams and hopes
- I still have the happy memories
and I still have it all together.

Outweighing the negatives.

- I have a passion and I know what I want
- I love what I do and I have a clear goal
- I have a dream and I know I will achieve it
- I dream about my future and think about it all the time because I'm going to have it all
- This is a test, life in hell will mean a life in heaven, it's making me stronger, making me better
- I don't have to wait every morning to catch a bus to uni
- I don't have to get up early except Fridays
- I live in Australia
- I live quite comfortably
- I'm smart
- I have a car to drive around
- I have somewhere to write my thoughts out and lift things off my chest
- I look good
- I know about the important things in life others don't
- I have some friends to talk to
- People respect me and they listen to me
- I grow to be a better person everyday because I always find ways to improve myself
- I don't live very far from places
- I have good grades
- I am a caring person
- I am a thoughtful person
- Most people like me
- I always try to think a little positive
- I have knowledge of some of the greatest wisdoms on life
- I get to listen to music everyday, and dance to it
- I have the choice to feel however I want, happy, sad, excited...
- I have enough money to buy things
- I have some good personality traits
- I am competitve, and that is a good thing
- I usually win, if I don't I try hard and I get results
- I know how to feel human
- I have a broad access to all the help I need
- I'm a perfectionist, everything goes well
- I have time to relax
- I've lived in hell before, so I know how to handle things
- I'm mentally and physically strong
- There will be more positive things in the future, they will always continue to bring themselves to me.

A bottle of thoughts...

I think I might be in the mood for some writing. I remember that movie "You've got mail", that was a good movie, It's got this feel to it, it feels good, something good is happening, two people are connecting. I like how they talk to each other through writing, and when tom hanks reads meg ryan's message, he almost has a smile on his face, you know deep down he is content, with the moment, it's a good moment for him, just sitting there all alone, reading her letter. While he reads it quietly, you hear the words, her words.

I don't think I'm a good writer, I just do it, I'm not very good at expressing myself through writing, but I try. I think if you try, then it doesn't matter how bad you are at it, at least you are doing it. I guess I'll get better at it, that's the most important thing, oh I kind of enjoy doing it.

I was thinking a lot last night, I said I was going to doze off early. No that didn't happen. I never happens. I just lie there in bed, it's dark, I have my eyes close, the blanket's over my shoulders, but there a lot on my mind. It's hard to stop thinking. It's as though your mind takes over, it disobeys anything you say, "Please be quiet, please shut up", "No !".

I was thinking so hard last night that I had a slight headache, the left side of my temple was aching. I don't know why I do this to myself, sometimes I tell myself, stop thinking, just go to sleep, don't think at all, don't do anything. It's so hard.

I was thinking about a lot of things.

I know I'm weird, I used to think that is a bad thing, now it's not so bad. I think I may have found a best friend within myself. You know the person inside you that always criticises you, that person who hates you, the person who tells you to do something you shouldn't the person who you look into the mirror everyday and shakes it's head in shame.

Yes, I have met that person, we talk a lot, he's a good person once you get to know him. I've only recently got to know him. For 19 years he was my enemy, for 19 years we always fought. Now we have sorted out our differences, I like him, he is interesting, we have a lot in common, sometimes we talk.

Everyone talks, a lot of people talk to themself. There really isn't anything wrong with it. I remember for years this person used to say a lot of negative things, it hurts, they become real. Now whenever I look in the mirror, he greets me with a smile, happy and proud with the way I look, content with the person I am, the person I wanna be and the person I will be. He knows me so well, inside out.

I have a feeling this is going to be a very long blog. I have a lot in my mind.

I want to talk about being 14.

When I was 14, I was still in high school, like everyone else we had a lot of fun during those times, like some people we had a lot of friends, but like myself, I was unhappy.

It was the start of a harsh life, the time where I had to prove to myself and to people around me that I am what they people think I should be. I didn't know who I was, I haven't got to know myself well enough.

Yes, ok, I'm going to just say it, I got bullied a lot during those years, all the way til I was 16. Through those years I developed an invisible shield around me, it kept me protected, it kept me alive, It was a permanent shield, to keep others out and keep people I trusted, in.

I remember during sport classes, these people used to call me all sorts of things, talking behind my back. These were the outcasts, they were a group of the "cool", which in the real world translates to "real losers", yes in real life these people are "losers". In their world I was their "loser". I was called that numerous times, yes, self-esteem shattered, shield up, life - down.

I went through that stage til I hit 16. I had a hard time trusting people, it made me a quiet person. I had a huge group of friends, they were the school captains, the vice captains, the academics, the social group all that, but they weren't the "cool". They didn't get the chance to go through what I did, I guess they were lucky. Well maybe they did, I don't know.

I talk to a lot of people. I look into their eyes, I see in their eyes that confidence and happiness I had before I was 14. They have no idea what I went through, they have a shield, but unlike mine, they let people in. I shut people out.

There are people who try to help me, there are people who talk to me, I crave for the attention, I crave for help, sometimes I want someone to talk to about things, sort things out, lift the weight off me. Yes I want all that. But no, when they try to help me, I shut them out, it's hard, I don't know how to stop doing that, it's a automatic defence mechanism. I try to see the good in people. Sometimes I walk into a crowd, I look around, I don't feel like I belong, I see in people's faces the expression of threat, I don't know what I'm talking about, it's hard to explain, I'm sounding silly, I sound stupid.

----------------------------------------

High school wasn't all that bad, my friends were awesome, really close friends, we talked everyday.

Well I guess that's life, you go through things, I think it was a test, it makes you stronger, it makes you a better person. Sometimes you have to live the worst life to have the best life.

I'm better now, I've learnt to put it all behind, sometimes I think about it, sometimes it hurts, but now it's alright.

I read somewhere "...you may have a bad day, but someone has it worse".

I'm going to think about that everyday. It makes me feel better about my life.

Something short.

Just got home from uni, I'm not in the best mood for writing something, perhaps later.

Not sure what I'll do right now, I'll figure something out.

Tried to quit playing neverwinter nights last night, it's getting boring.

Well, i'll get busy with something now.

Before I go to bed.

I have an early class tommorrow, around 9:00am. I'm about to go to bed, but before I do that, I think i'll write something.

It's weird to know someone is reading what I write, it's so personal, never ever thought I'de tell anyone about these things.

Anyway, it's nothing big to worry about, it's all good.

Yeah, the mirror is a wonderful place to spend those early mornings and lateful nights isnt it. You just get a good look at yourself before you continue on with the rest of the day or the end of the day. Anyway, I'll write again tommorrow, right now I'm going to doze off. Hopefully I can get to sleep.

What was I thinking? man...

I don't know, I woke up today thinking about something. There's something in my mind I just had to get it all out, well at least try to.

I will just go on and let it all out, I don't care, don't care what's going to come out, I just want it out, out and out.

Well, I don't knnow what I was thinking, day and night I keep thinking about these people, this person and this person. Last night it turned out they are not these kind of people. I don't know how to think about this.

I'll take a break for a moment...

I am disapointed.
I feel cheated.
I don't like it.

Something has been taken away from me, all my life I had no idea that something this small will do such a thing to me, it's not a particular hurting feeling, just, I don't know, the words aren't coming out of me today.

I'm going to continue living life, I will try and make the situation better, I will feel better and I might even forget about it.

I'm not sure if I'm doing it right, I don't care, I just want to do it.

The music plays...

Well it's another night of blog. The radio is on again, the music streams out of it's speakers, into my ears, yeah I hear it, It sounds good, my mood is adjusted, that'll be the mood I am in for the moment.

I'm not feeling as particularly energetic as last night, in fact my head hurts a little, I'll try not to think about that, thinking usually makes things "happen".

Made some coffee earlier, just took out some instant coffee, 2 bags, and poured them into a jar, boiled the water, poured them in a cup twice and poured them into the jar then into the freezer it went.

Nothing like a cold coffee.

Yeah, what more can I say, there is a particular someone who I think of, there is a particular 2 people who I think of. I think about them all the time, can't get them out of my head, although that might be because I "don't" want them out of my head.

I'de like to feel good with somebody, somebody to feel good with me. I'de like someone who I can talk to, someone who talks back, someone who understand and someone who knows... knows me.

Just got home

Got home from uni, it's 3:55pm right now, had a class about multimedia - sound principles. Hmm, one thought in my mind describes this lecture, "snore". I can't believe it, it's not me, I don't feel "bored" at classes, at least I always try to be passionate about uni.

Don't get me wrong, I love what I do, I love what I'm going to become and I love how I'm going to become it. I'm going to be successful, everyone's going to notice me, everyone is going to know me, I'm a leader, I'm a follower, but I lead.

Passion... hmm. I get this huge bolt of inspiration and motivation to do things; sometimes. Most times I try to get it in me. I am a designer, I am an artist, I am creative and I sometimes; well, am neither. That's life, you are what you think, believe and feel like you (want to be) are. If you don't want it, you won't have it, If you want it, you can have it. I want it, I want to be all that I can be, I dream, I think about things, I know what I can achieve, and I know I will achieve it.

I see myself as a respectable person, people know me, people talk to me, people may or may not understand me, but they respect me, they listen, sometimes they are quiet around me. Sometimes I'm quite serious, sometimes I'm not. I am human, and a human "being", I try to be. I try to feel happy, try to feel good, try to feel interested, try to feel wanted, try to feel like I belong.

I know, sometimes you just don't belong to things, that's just life. People get along with people who they think will get along with, but that's not the case, sometimes you make a lot of errors, that's just life, It's a life of trial and a life of errors, eventually you will live through them and remember the good things out of it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say right now, that's all I have in my mind, there are other things... hmm, no; I'll save the space.

2nd day...

Wow, I really love this blogger. I've been thinking about it last night, then I woke up this morning around 10:00am, well I woke up a little earlier, but went back to sleep - I was thinking about how cool this is... hmm I can't think of a better word to replace "cool" yet, sorry it does sound a little silly.

It's still winter in Australia, it wasn't as cold today as it should have been, or it usually is, I wear socks to bed, usually take them off sometime during the night, I just slip out of it, stripping it off with my other toe, and so forth.

It's a bright sunny morning, it's 11:04am right now, about 30 mins ago, I was outside playing with my dog, still in my sleep wear, just something different I guess. I have a 3-4 year old terrier like dog, pretty small/medium built, lot of blondish fur/hair and loves to play; well ball.

Then I went to the bathroom to wash my face etc... well I won't go into the details. I look at myself in the mirror a lot, I'm beautiful, ha ha, ok that sounded, well, some people would use the word "happy", if you know what I mean, I assure you, I'm straight. I do have quite a few handsome features, although I am quite self conscious - most of the time, but hey, I'm working on it !!

I hope I don't become those people who just talk about themselves, well isn't this what a blogger suppose to write about? Anyway, I've been thinking, since I'm writing down so much about myself, my thoughts, my life, everything around me... on and on... It might sound a little like a diary, not that it really matters to me, well, it doesn't, IT DOESN'T !!!


Have the radio on..
My mood is adjusted by the song that's played...
hmmm..

I think I'll go and check out the other bloggers..
Oh by the way, write some comments please, ha ha.

(11:09am now)

My first thought

I'm giving birth to a new thought tonight, it's 1:26am Australia - Brisbane time. I'm just going to write everything from the top of the head, no spell checking, no grammer checking, nothing but think - type and regret later.

Hi to all who read this, I'll be thinking about this before I go to bed, so much thoughts whilst in bed...

Sometimes I cannot stay asleep, I am bright awake but I'm tired enough to doze off, just doesn't happen. I don't go to bed early, it's become a ritual, stay up late, do stuff on the computer, have the radio on, go to bed, lie in bed, lie in bed some more, think about things, think about what I'de like to dream about, then fall asleep.

My life is pretty organised, I try to keep things neat, mess disgusts me, can't stand it, I think I am a perfectionist, everything has to look perfect, I'm into creative things; art...

I just love being mysterious, so annonymous, so unknown, I'm like the night, I'm like the darkness, you see me, you know what I am, you know a little about me, but you don't really... hmm I don't know.

Sometimes I sit here, in front of the computer, very late at night, or maybe I should call it very early in the morning, just waiting, waiting for something, I don't know what, I just sit here, feeling the comfortable chair, leaning my back on it, my legs on the side of the bed, radio still on, just to admire the room, the beautiful room which I organised every piece of item so neatly, so perfectly against each other. I have been understanding that life should be enjoyed, there really is no use doing something if you don't enjoy it, unless it really has to be done, but you should throw a little fun and enjoyment, or at least feel good about/whilst doing it.

So last night, after a few hours of some gameplay, I just sat there, same pose, feeling the world around me, the 4 walls around me, actually it's more like 5 walls. Sometimes we just live our life without being so conscious about the world around us, we take it all for granted. I like to feel the air, feel the wind, feel the warm sunshine, admire the beauty, breathe in the fresh air, feel every sensation of life in and around me.

I don't know, I've never written a blog before, never something of this length, I'm going on and on, I am beginning to like this, this is great, it's fun, it's relieving. I feel like some weights have been lifted off me, and I like that. From tonight on, I will continue blogging :)

Good night everyone.

( Oh yeah, it's 1:39 am now)